The Abyss, or Spiritual Depression

You have spoken of staring into the Abyss, but have you truly looked within it?  Spent hours looking into the Abyss that exists within you and seeing every single character flaw you possess?  Seeing all the lost opportunities and wasted opportunities because of something you did which was caused by an insecurity you possessed?  How about looking at the choices you thought were “right” or “correct” for you at the time, which only in time revealed to you instead all the things that were wrong about you? Spiritual depression is one of the paths we each take to reach the Abyss.

I do this regularly – the Angelics make me do this for my highest and best good.  Not to punish, not to humiliate, not to wreak havoc upon that which exists as “me”, but instead to look at, to analyze, to see how I could have chosen differently, to reflect upon, and mostly, to heal those wounds that exist within me.

If I enter the Abyss and stay too long, I call this spiritual depression the “Dark Night of the Soul”.  It is not necessarily a choice to “stay too long”, but rather I am held there in that state of exposure – held in a state of almost suspension where I am given time to really look at what I truly believe down to my Core.

Every significant spiritual step forward I have taken has been prompted by a spiritual depression episode.  I don’t become suicidal, but I do become very dark energetically as all my focus is internalized on my frailty and flows.  Obsessed might be a good word for it, except that every single thing in my life is reviewed, judged, discerned, and finally determined if it is to stay or go. 

People have also left as a result of my work in the Abyss – sometimes because my vibration shifts too high for them to be comfortable with me, so they leave…and sometimes because I realize that they are not in alignment with me and what I wish to become.

When you stare into the Abyss – what do you see? 

It is a place that reflects fears and smashed dreams and idle thoughts of fancy and then shows you the reflection of who you are.  Multiple people I have worked with over the years wonder at my humility, my abject refusal to claim attention or acclaim for what I do.  Partially that is because I am an introvert and am not comfortable in the spot light or being around lots of people, and partially it is because of my experiences within the Abyss. 

I know who and what I am, and I cannot claim something that I do not do.  The change I bring into other people’s lives, the healings they experience, the knowledge shared with them is not me, it is not mine.  I merely channel that information/energy/healing to them.  They are the ones who bear the responsibility of what they do when I finish doing my thing.

I have looked into the Abyss and seen what I could become – and that has scared me.  I don’t want to become that person ever, for I have also seen it echoed in a parallel lifetime and I don’t like who I am in that lifetime.

You may think you are challenging or difficult or unworthy or mean or whatever negative term you use inside your head.  We are each these things – it is part of being human and it is a lesson for each of us to grow past that childish mindset and see others for who they truly are and not what we project at them. 

Last night I voluntarily entered the Abyss, for I could feel spiritual depression looming.  This is good – it is an opportunity for me to demand transparency and honesty, learning and growth, and healing from myself.  And the end result is always the same when I learn from these moments – Love.

Love is all that matters in this world.  I say that a lot, because it really is true.  Love of all kinds, all natures, with all kinds of people, animals, and aspects of this reality.  When we choose to love, we are choosing an aspect of ourselves that lifts us up away from cruelty and barbarity into a place of reason and rationality.  Clarity and discernment instead of fear and ignorance, for the more we learn about ourselves and how we work inside, the better we are able to understand the motivations and agendas of other humans.

I have not always chosen love or to be in a place of love.  I would have tossed some of the people I work with now to the curb a long time ago if I was still unable to see how their wounds drive them to self-destructive acts.  I give them the safe place to be themselves and a place to unburden their fears and worries.  I give to them what the Angelics and Guides have given to me, because very few people ever experience what I experience regularly.  How can I do less?  I accept myself; how can I not accept others for the fragile creatures we are?

The most vicious, ugly person can be redeemed – if they want to be.  I cannot make anyone do that – they have to want to do that.  I can hold their hand while we look into the abyss together, for I am not afraid of it, and that gives them strength.

When I stare into the Abyss, I see me.  I see all versions of me – good, bad, ignorant, wise, silly, vicious, beautiful and ugly.  I choose what I wish to be, I choose the aspects I want to heal and those I want to grow.

In the end, I know when I am done with the Abyss because I choose to lift myself away from spiritual depression and suicidal thoughts and instead, I embrace what I have become and what I want to be.

It takes courage and internal fortitude to own yourself – your positives and negatives.  I understand your pain, very well.  I go into the abyss gladly because when I emerge, I am better for it.  But in the beginning, it was not easy at all.  I was filled with shame and horror and felt I did not deserve anything of happiness because of what a weak and horrible person I was.  And then I forgave myself for being human and I slowly forgave those who hurt me deliberately, and then slowly worked on forgiving those who hurt me carelessly.

What do you see when you stare into the Abyss?

Welcome to the First 2019 Mother Earth Planetary Shift

And again, it is coinciding with Mercury in Retrograde. Yay us!

I admit, I have been a slacker on writing this blog. Last year’s combo was a massive trial for everyone sensitive on this planet and having to break it to people that they would be experiencing similar sensations and trials and tribulations again made me cringe.

However, instead of focusing on what the Planetary Shift will be doing to you (hint – 2nd and 4th chakra issues will be arising!), I am going to focus on how the combination of MiR and the PS can assist with releasing deep seated ideas and give you an exercise or two to help you shift in alignment with these two powerful energies.

Let’s look at the 2nd chakra first. The 2nd chakra houses all our ideas of society and our place within. We keep all our ideas about relationships, sexual identity, and sexuality trapped in there as well. Hierarchy within the family unit and the roles we hold in society are unconscious programs running too.

Basically, it’s a massive goulash of messed up ideas, emotions, beliefs, and patterns of behaviors that started accumulating when you were about 8 years old. And needless to say, not too many 8 year olds understand the complexity of the world we live in, much less have the emotional maturity and intellectual discernment capable of making mindful decisions.

So all that plus is massed within our 2nd chakra. Throw into that mess all the messed up relationships and ideas about people we knew/know and there is plenty to keep any one individual busy doing healing work on a daily basis for a year.

Let me give you an example from my repertoire of experiences.

As humans, our capacity for love is magnificent and incredible. And as a human, we very often don’t consider why we love someone. We certainly don’t consider capability when we love someone – we “just do” and it is only down the road when we get to know that person that we realize our personalities do not mesh well together.

It does not mean the love was “wrong” – it just means that the person is not a good fit for our personal path. We can still have them in our life – just not in the capacity we wanted them to be. And thus begins the trials and tribulations of the heart, for all too often, when they don’t fit into the box they think they ought to – or the one we think they ought to – we cut them out, drop them to the curb, and repress their memory deep within us.

This is just one instance, just one person. One relationship experience that has now encapsulated a variety of emotions, a number of roles for both you and the other person, and then tie in the grief of releasing all hopes and expectations for that relationship. Finishing all that up is the repression of the memory of that person within so that it becomes an unconscious program running in our background. We have not learned from it because we repressed the relationship, so we will repeat the lesson by bringing in person after person who reminds us of the one repressed.

And so we begin the string of bad relationships that will taint that aspect of our life – until we stop, pull that individual/relationship out of our memory, heal it, and release it.

Ugh – stop, I can hear the protestations without you opening your mouth! NO, this is NOT going to be fun or pretty. Yes, this is a shit storm alert! BUT do you want to KEEP doing this? Do you want to keep sabotaging your friendships and romantic relationships because of the hurt you have bottled up inside you?

I sure as heck don’t! And yes, to answer the question, I have spent a number of days within the last week processing my own pain. I have had wonderful support from a couple of friends who were able to just love me and let me know that they value me and that I deserve to allow myself to heal.

To Heal. This is the goal. To HEAL. Not to find someone ‘new’ to have a relationship with, but to heal and grow and become more, to travel down my path a little further, to reach within and release the Darkness and bring more Light within me.

And I cannot do that when I hold onto people.

This is not easy. We hold so much grief within us in so many ways and it hurts us to pull it out. But you don’t have to live through the relationship again to release it. You just have to be willing to let it go. And that is the second hard part of the process.

You have to let go of the hope you have been harboring within you that somehow this person, this relationship is going to have a magical experience and all will be wonderful and beautiful and you will have your happy ever after.

The only happy ever after you are going to have is you healing and releasing and developing a deeper and stronger capacity to love others more unconditionally. Tough talk time, but such as it is.

So pull up your big person undies and let’s suck it up and do the exercise.

First, I want you to get into a sitting position, preferable on a chair as you will be having arm movement and need it unrestricted.

Start with your hands in your lap and focus on long, slow, deep breaths in and out of your belly. Allow yourself to slide into a light meditative state.

As your breathing lengthens, allow your hands to naturally drop to your sides.

After they have dropped, allow yourself to feel a large ball of pink light settle over your head, over your crown chakra. Breathe deeply, allowing your breaths to slow even more.

Feel that pink ball expand and slowly encompass your entire body, stretching and covering you with each breath you take.

Once it has fully covered you, focus your attention on your hands, hanging limply at your side.

Now feel a ball of gold and white energy forming in your crown chakra. With each breath, that ball of gold and white energy is going to stretch and grow and flow through your Core, through each chakra, your meridians, and your auric layers.

The combination of the pink energy and the gold and white energies is going to provide you with healing, buffering, knowledge, and wisdom to move forward to the next step.

Feel again your hands hanging limply by your side. Call upon your High Self to come forward and help you. Call upon the Creator to send energy to you and allow yourself to Receive.

Now feel the energy of the Creator moving through your heart chakra, flowing down your arms to your hands. Feel the energy of the Creator stretch your hands out and the energy flow out through your finger tips.

Allow your hands and arms to raise up until the palms meet each other over your head.

Breathe deeply, allowing the energy flow through you organically.

You will feel the directive to allow your hands to drop down in front of you, palms together, until they come to rest in front of your stomach.

Allow your hands to open and come to rest on top of your belly, over the 2nd chakra.

With every breath you take, feel the energy of the Creator flow from your heart, through your arms, and from your hands into the 2nd chakra.

Give yourself permission to release and heal any and all wounds you carry within you.

Give your High Self permission to lift from you those wounds that no longer are serving your Highest and Best Good.

Allow yourself to fill with Light.

And repeat until the time it is indicated your session is done. If you are not accustomed to doing energy work, allow yourself a half hour of this work until you get accustomed to the after effects.

After effects may include emotional exhaustion, crying, anger, the desire to throw things, and finally the acceptance that you deserve way more than holding onto this old nonsense.

Seriously – I derived this list from personal experience. Your personal emotional process may include other states of emotion. Don’t judge – just allow yourself to process and release as much as you can, each time you do the exercise.

Should you decide you feel “nothing”, please note that for some deeply held wounds, issues, and beliefs multiple sessions may be required to dislodge. Give yourself this gift!

Now for the 4th chakra, we have a mantra for you to practice for the next 21 days. The mantra can be stated before, during, and after the 2nd chakra healing exercise, or you can do it in a separate session.

Negativity now vanishes completely from my life. I am safe and everything is in alignment with my Highest and Best Good. I am Loved.

For those who are unfamiliar with mantras, mantras are used to help retrain the mind and thought processes while assisting your energy system to release and heal wounds. At least, in my world this is what they do.

Why does it work? Because we are spiritual beings in a human form that is driven by psychology. For the human mind to change, it must do something different for 21 days, every day, which allows the brain to be reprogrammed.

So, the mantra will be done daily and the 2nd chakra exercise will be done daily and at the end of this time Mercury will be almost out of Retrograde but you will have 3 more weeks of the Earth Mother Planetary Shift. Keep going and do as much as you can while these energies are available to you!

One last exercise – crying can be such a healing experience. Not pretty, artful crying, but crying where you are feeling everything in your lower stomach, in the 2nd chakra. When you tone, your body is able to shift and release vibrations that are trapped within its energy system. When you cry through your 2nd chakra, those are the moments of deep release where it is the noise that is important – not the amount of tears flowing.

When you can give yourself the opportunity to howl, to release trapped energies via your body’s organic flow, you may be quite surprised at how good you feel the next day.

As always, drink tons and tons of water as you are going through the shift! Blessings to you!

IMBOLC – A NEW BEGINNING, A NEW YOU

Our knowledge of the celebration of Imbolc comes largely from stories and information passed down first through families and eventually transferred over to the Internet. The truth is, once Christianity took hold in Ireland, much of what might have been part of the rituals related to Imbolc were probably lost, because early Christians had a thirst for killing people who did not conform to their beliefs and ideas. So – just as many other forms of non-Christian beliefs were lost, much was lost for Imbolc.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, Imbolc or Candlemas is defined as “A Christian festival held on 2 February to commemorate the purification of the Virgin Mary (after childbirth, according to Jewish law) and the presentation of Christ in the Temple. Candles were traditionally blessed at this festival.”

Taken over and subverted by Catholicism and relegated to become the bland “St. Brigid’s Day”, much of what Imbolc was celebrated for was decimated. Such is the way of the conqueror. However, in today’s world, many people have returned to the idea of a celebration during the middle of winter and with the Internet’s assistance, Imbolc has become the Light within the Darkness again.

Imbolc is a celebration of the end of winter, and a celebration to the Light half of the year. The Gaels had an impressive understanding of the moon cycles and their year was divided into a time of darkness (rest and recovery) and a time of Light (breeding, growth, and a return to activity). 
Samhain at the end of October was the beginning of their new year and the start of Darkness. Imbolc is the return of Light.

While we don’t have the information lost over the last millennium regarding this holiday, we can each still celebrate the basic ideas behind this moon cycle. Winter is departing, and every day a couple more minute of sunlight benefit the Earth. You can look forward to warmer temperatures returning, animals begin their breeding cycles, and plants in your yard are starting to poke their heads out of the ground. What’s not to celebrate?

When I look at Imbolc from a spiritual perspective, I see the endless possibilities for healing and growth. We have come through the hardest part of today’s US culture – we have survived the onslaught of the winter holidays. Starting with Halloween and ending with the New Year celebration, every month brings forth opportunity to spend time with family and friends. While for many this may be cause for joyful reflection, for many more this is a time of dread, a series of events that must be gotten through, gotten over, to just make it to January when you can be assured of some quiet time to yourself as everyone drops away as there is no longer a need to pretend.

I am asked the question, “Why do I feel alone after New Year’s?”

The simple answer is that the energy of obligation or duty is no longer driving certain people in your life to include you – or to berate you, depending upon your perspective. I look at this time of the year as a blessing, for it is now time to cleanse and begin anew.

Many people being New Year’s resolutions, thinking a goal will help them make the changes that they feel they need to make during the year. Many times those resolutions are based off things they think are wrong with themselves, that they are deficient in, that they need to “fix”.

From a spiritual perspective, that kind of self-hatred is bound to fail as your High Self wants you to learn to love yourself – not fix what is “wrong” with you. I suggest that we adopt the perspective of self-love and apply it to Imbolc. Imbolc could easily adapt and be the symbolic time of healing and growth to take you on the path to become your authentic you.

By using the traditional symbols of candle and flame, you have the added bonus of include your neighboring Fire Elementals in this return to balance, a return to your essential self, and the promise of a new beginning. So, what can you do to celebrate Imbolc quietly in your own home?

Years ago, a friend of mine took me to my first Imbolc celebration. It was not what I expected and the energy was not what I thought it would be, so I never returned to that pagan enclave, however, I did adopt the candle ritual and use that as a part of my healing and growth process.

Obtain a tall 7-day glass candle. You can find them even at your local grocery store. Make sure it is one of the plain ones as you are going to decorate it yourself. If you are a Reiki practitioner, I suggest permeating the candle with Reiki to raise its vibration and cleanse it of that which is not in your highest and best good.

Then, spend a little while in reflection and rumination. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want to achieve this year? What goal’s have you put off or what challenges do you foresee for which you will need strength and purpose? There are many ways to view your potential and you need to chop that down into bite sized pieces. This is not to set yourself up for failure – this exercise is to establish and manifest the energy to reach these goals for yourself.

Last year, my goals were to return to North Carolina and be with my friends and family after being gone for almost 5 years. I needed a certain amount of money to come in, I needed a place to stay, I needed a vehicle of my own to even begin the process. Within two months, all these things were manifested with people even coming forward – unasked – to offer assistance. 

The Universe WILL provide when you not only know what you want, but know that what you want is also in your Path.

Now, once you have a few bite sized pieces to work with, it is time to get creative! Speaking as someone who has zero real world creativity, this next step is not to intimidate you at all! This is for you – your energy is going into your creativity to manifest your highest and best good – so don’t worry what it will look like to ANYONE ELSE!

Start with covering your candle with plain paper. You could use a piece of printer paper, cut to size. Or even kitchen paper if you have that on hand. Don’t put it on the candle yet! Decide how you are going to decorate your candle.

The very first candle I created years ago was covered in different colored pieces of crinkled-up wrapping tissues. Then, I took a variety of small crystals, cleansed them, and imbued them with the energy I wanted to happen during that year. I then used wire and wrapped the tissue-wrapped candle with my crystals. I was very pleased with it and with the crystals that had volunteered to do this work with me.

When we went to the ceremony, my candle stood out alone and strange from the others, but it was perfect for me and the vibration it emanated was perfect for me, so what else did I need?

Their candles were wrapped with taped pictures from magazines – like a vision board. That is what they needed and that was absolutely great for them! This is YOUR candle – you need to make it work for you!

So start your preparations now. Go purchase your candle, meditate on what you want to achieve, and then decorate the candle as you like it. Then – and this is the important step – meditate with the candle every day before Imbolc. Spend at the very least a few minutes focusing on what you want to achieve, what you want to shift, how you want to heal, and how you want to grow. Ask your High Self to join you in this project – for your High Self knows exactly what is needed for you to be living the life you were designed to live!

I want to add something I think is very important. It is vital that you are honest with yourself when you are focusing on what you want. If you are harboring self-defeating emotions, then that is what you need to focus on healing first. Do not set yourself up for disappointment by creating non-achievable scenarios – that is harmful to you. Work on doing what you need to do first and then grow from there!

Then, after sunset on Imbolc, take a few moments to get prepared. Make sure you have a safe place to light your candle and leave it alone, for it needs to burn for the entire time it has wax. Maybe you will leave it on a fire-proof counter. Maybe you will get a decorative bowl and put some sand inside to set the candle on. Regardless of your choice – have your fire-safe place set up before you begin the celebration.

Once everything is prepared, it is time to quiet and focus your thoughts, again focusing on your desire for your High Self to assist you with returning to your essential place of authenticity, a place of healing and growth, and utilize the energy of gratitude to facilitate the manifestation of these energies to help you achieve the wonderful changes you will experience. Gratitude is never a wasted emotion.

Say whatever words or prayer you think appropriate as you light the candle, and then spend several minutes with it, sharing the energy of gratitude and manifestation with the candle. Then, when you are done, leave the candle in its fire-proof location and return to your daily activities.

If you are doing this as a group event, think about what you want to say out loud in front of everyone. You don’t need to share your every detail of every intimate thought and desire with everyone. This is your personal manifestation moment, so you want to be comfortable with your spoken declarative statement as you light the candle.

Make sure every day you spend some time with the candle while it burns – sharing the energy of gratitude and manifestation with it. Emotion creates energy and energy creates intention and intention is the energy behind manifestation.

You may find that you need to dump a little of the wax here and there to keep the wick vital, depending upon the candle body material. Please be careful as the glass will be hot and spilled wax is messy.

Once the candle is completely burned it is time to complete the manifestation process. I always remove my crystals I have wrapped around the candle at this stage and set them aside to include in my daily meditations. If you have included something tangible you want to keep with you like crystals or a necklace, etc., remove that now.

Now wrap your candle in 2 or three paper bags, then finish with a plastic grocery or garbage bag. Get some sort of hammer, some safety goggles if you have them, and take everything outside. Look around your yard – if you have one – and ask to be shown where the perfect spot will be to bury your candle. You will need to dig a hole deep enough to cover all the candle and the paper bags.

If you are in a place where the ground is still frozen or you live in an apartment setting, skip this step.

Once outside with the wrapped candle, hammer, and safety goggles, find a solid place and get into a light meditative state. Reiterate one last time what you wish to manifest with the energy from this candle and hold that energy in your heart and mind. Now, place the wrapped candle on the solid surface and pound the candle until it is only tiny, tiny pieces.

It is very important you follow safety procedures while doing this. Having wrapped the candle in multiple layers of paper bag will assist with keeping dust and shards from flying about, but you can never be too careful with your eyes! The plastic bag should keep all the pieces in one location as the paper bags may indeed be torn by the jagged pieces of glass.

Once you have destroyed the candle and released the energy of manifestation, it is time to bury that candle in the ground. If you don’t have a place to bury it, ask for your High Self to release all the energy within the glass container and release it now to the Universe. Your High Self will make sure that it is released as appropriate for you.

Now you can safely place it inside your garbage can. For those who will plant it in your yard, it will be your choice if you wish to leave it in the ground once the year has passed or if you wish to dig it up and dispose of it in the garbage can at that point. The energy will have been released, so its purpose will be fulfilled and there will be no negative ramifications if you should.

Imbolc is a time of promise, an opportunity to return to your true state of being. I hope you find this exercise useful and I wish for you to receive your blessings throughout the year.